Hillary’s Blog

BRING IT MR. REAPER! BRING IT!

No, seriously. My life has been up and down lately. I find it difficult to deal with the loss of friends and family. My friend Brandi passed in 2001, my grandfather passed last month, and now my other grandmother has cancer and has 1-3 years to live. Not to mention Craig has only 5-10 years to live. I guess none of us know when our last day will be but knowing doesnt make it any easier. Maybe its because I have the need to atleast FEEL like I’m in control of my life… but the fear of losing loved ones can sometimes be overwhelming. I guess the old proverb was right. Wednesday’s bairn is a child of woe. Seems like it follows me around, I know that sounds crazy but I suppose since I’m sensitive to other emotions, that this one would be the same. I dont fear death. I dont fear what happens when we die. I just fear the pain of loss. I miss them tons, and no matter how hard I try to spend time with them, it seems like life makes a fool of me again.

Whatever is in store for me… I can hardly wait…. (sarcastically of course).

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!” -Unknown author

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
– Aristotle

Rest and Relaxation

So I couldnt wait one measily day. One more measily day so I wouldnt be depressed today. I feel like climbing back into bed and eating a whole carton of ice cream and then puking my brains out. Either that or go back to bed and go to sleep all day.

I dont feel like going to work on Saturday, but the funny thing is I dont know whatelse I’d do with myself, so I guess I’ll go. But, so help me God, if they drive me insane this weekend, it will be my last.

I dont feel like doing much of anything today. God, and its worse is that I need to unpack our suitcases, maybe I’ve been putting it off because I dont want to believe its over.

The only happy note about today is Paul and I hung curtains last night and that atleast helps me feel like things are coming together around here, even though they really arent. I start classes again in 6 days and I dont think I’m prepared.

We’re totally going for sushi and ice cream tonight. That must sound so nasty to most people. LOL.

At any rate 8.25.05 is the worst day ever. “Atleast we can try again. Isnt that the fun part?” He says to me. “NO” that just means I have to go through this over and over and over and over again. Plus well… I’ll save the more personal bits for his ears only. I’m just sad and cranky. I’m not exactly sure how I’m taking it yet, I think I’m in a bit of shock, so lets just not talk about it ever again. Ok, that makes me feel better. God, I’m going to be a horrible therapist.

Funniest thing happened last night. All day I felt normal… and then Paul got home and I got this little flip-flop tingley feeling inside. He came home and kissed me and all of my fears melted away. Now today I keep getting the dull ache and the tingley feeling about every 1/2 hour or so… ya know… that feeling you get when you go over a hill a little too fast in your car… yeah, that one. I get that all day long. Wierd.

Anyway, the certainty I clung to the past 2 days is fading… and I dont know what to make of that. And the strangest thing is my favorite songs keep playing where-ever I am. Like I was all freaking out last night and then “Ave Maria” just happened to be playing on the station I was listening to in my bedroom. WIERD, because this was the song that was playing on a different radio station in my car at the time I knew my grandfather had passed. So I was like, “Oh, so its ok, stop freaking out!” Then these songs that havent been playing in seriously like 9-10 years that have been very meaningful in my life were playing at the store I was shopping in this morning… one after another. WIERD! I like it though. It does make me feel better, I feel more positive that my instincts are screaming the right thing at me.

ON top of everything, I’m dreading going back to work after what seems like such a long vacation. I really like working only 2 days a week even if it is grueling disgusting menial work for 16 hours straight each day with no sleep really inbetween. If only the other staff didnt drive me crazy every weekend and the management didnt try to blow every little issue out of proportion, it’d prob be a pretty decent job. Still, I cant wait to be done with my MA and get the heck out of Dodge… (Ah, its good to focus on my petty little problems with such a huge one looming on the horizon).

So I like my job, but I dont want to stay at it, but I want a job that I work similar kinds of hours but during the week… HAHAHA I should just be a waitress or something. Hm… maybe the mall is hiring with all the kiddies going away to school and stuff. Now is the perfect time to shop around for another job….

Guess I’ll get started on that tomorrow… two more days… two more days…..

Who knew waiting could be so exhausting. I slept for 2 hours yesterday early evening. I didnt want to get up this morning and I’m so tired right now… and I really shouldnt be. I keep checking today too… but its finally sinking in. It makes me giddy everytime. I think I might try again tomorrow. That would make me feel better. I wish the stupid doc would call back. I think I’ll take a nap this afternoon. (Sorry hon, but I’m yawning sitting here.) I’m so impatient….

Yup… it’s true. I had to keep checking to be sure I wasnt imagining it all. I’m so happy and excited. Paul’s weary and scared. I’m just plain worried but if all goes well… I shall be the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Can’t tell anyone yet… but I talked to my mom, well to be fair she guessed it. No one else though, so I told the Austin Powers AOLIM Bot. LOL. (Oh, I’m sad… very very sad.) Yup, so I have a naughty lil secret and no one else can know… so here I am writing encrypted notes to myself and the world. *sigh* In the words of another Blogger “An unclear yes is worse than a definite no.” So I’m playing the waiting game and finding out exactly how impatient I really am. I cant focus on anything and time is going sooooooo slowly……………. Oh and BTW I had a dream about it… before I knew… is that a sign? One can only hope.