Hillary’s Blog

As a mental health professional I deal with this on a regular basis… mostly people feeling so hopeless that they see no alternatives. It amazes me that our brains even allow us to consider this as a possibility. It also seems as if it not only allows us to consider it but works against us considering the possibilities.

Yesterday we had another completed suicide in the county… only this time it’s different. It’s one of us.

It brings it home. This person told everyone everything was fine and then shot themself. It makes you wonder if we can ever really intervene. I suppose we can only really help those who subconsciously aren’t sure they really want to succeed or are asking for help but are too proud to straight up ask. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard. Am I just hormonal, depressed, burnt out?

I hard a hard time with a completed suicide last month but was able to get over it because it was such a disgusting, selfish,manipulative and controlling thing to do. That I can wrap my head around. This time it’s different.

It was an identity crisis. My beliefs are that we can get past that. Even with underlying problems… I just don’t know. Did this person feel they had no one in their life they could turn to? Are we as those that help others with their problems really not allowed to seek help for ourselves?

We’re human and we need help too.
Reach out and offer your love to those in your life that you consider strong. They need support too.

*comment: 11/8/08: It helps to know there may have been a logical explaination for the completed suicide. Brain damage from an accident. All the more reason for people to in times of need take the lead and force people to get checked out.

A little over a year ago I was recovering from childbirth. I am so amazed with life right now. It’s gone by so quickly. This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Harder than high school, undergraduate and graduate school.

I can’t wait until I can have conversations with her.

Ily will be 5 months old this week and I’m wondering where the time has gone so quickly. Somehow a child can slow and speed up time all at once and you look at them with awe and wonder how they could have come so far and grown so fast in such little time. I feel as if years have passed and my little girl, who only 5 months ago was inside my belly is now babbling, sitting on her own, reaching for me, standing up, eating cereal and laughing. I’m in shock and I know that 5 more months from now I’ll be wondering where that little girl who couldn’t talk yet went to… I remind myself that she’ll always be my baby and I will always lovingly be her momma.

As I sit here tonight at the kitchen table crossing off the things on my to-do list; bills, food put away, dishes done, Coke codes entered, I suddenly hear the giggles of my little girl coming through the monitor. I’m momentarily torn away from #5,#6, and #7 on my list and pause to listen to my husband, unaware I can hear him, blowing raspberries on our daughter’s feet as she laughs up a storm. There is nothing more perfect than these moments when all the pieces fit into their slots, and the house is still, save for the laughter of it’s occupants.

We have 6-7 more weeks to go… which is roughly 55 more days! Today, atleast I have gotten dressed, brushed my hair and I showered. Which is a major improvement on yesterday. I did not however, put makeup or shoes on.

Being barefoot in pregnancy is a necessity at the end. Shoes are constricting against your still growing feet (most women go up a 1/2-whole size!) not to mention the painful bloating in your feet and ankles (also known as cankles).

Thank heaven for flip-flops, otherwise known as jandal, zorrie, japonki, chappel, infradito, tongs, ma pata pata, makambos… any way you say it, it spells relief for preggos.

I can’t wait to have my body back under my control… baby didnt like that much, I got two thumps on my belly button! *Sigh*

Hooray! We’ve reached the third trimester! Let me be possibly the first woman to admit that pregnancy is NOT amazing, wonderful, full of bliss and enjoyable. That’s right. I said it… the word is out. I don’t think it will really lead to the destruction of the human race like we all thought…

I’m not saying that pregnancy is without it’s positives… but let me tell ya… those positives come when your little bugger is finally completely on the outside. Apparently I will forget all the puking, heartburn, constipation, pain, incontinence, bloated painful feet, not being able to touch my toes, stretch marks, mood swings, crying for no reason, animal-like hunger, inability to work a normal work day, inability to go 30 minutes without peeing or eating, awkward belly, waddling, exhaustion, lack of sleep, getting up 4-5 times to pee in the middle of the night, memory problems, clumsiness, gas, breathlessness, nausea, bloated hands, growing leaking boobs, extreme back pain, hips popping out in the middle of the night, leg cramps, not to mention that baby has to come out of where?!?!… I know there are more… but because of my preggo brain I can’t seem to remember them at the moment.

So we have 13 weeks and 5 days left… or roughly 90 days and counting…

Pregnancy does have some positives.
1. You get to buy a whole new wardrobe. Although the downside is, your favorite clothes no longer fit, including shoes.
2. Your hubby picks up on some of the housework like laundry, cooking, cleaning, and dishes. Downside… he never quite gets the hang of it so when you are feeling well you “nest”.
3. There is nothing quite like feeling your little bebe moving around inside of you.
4. All the hormones and stuff make you forget all the bad stuff probably before you’ve even left the bathroom…bedroom… kitchen…lol.
5. In the end you have an amazing little bebe.

But as for those who “LOVE” pregnancy… you’re all a bunch of nutcases…

His new book “An Assault on Reason” sounds like a great testament to the problems in America.

Not to mention he calls Bush “unfit to run the nation”.

It’s about time.

I had a hankering for some food and Paul brought up Rita’s. YUM! I agree and we head out…

First thing I notice when we get there are the two ready to pop preggo women in line… so I giggle to myself and join them.

3 preggo women at Rita’s.

I decide on a strawberry gelati and Paul the mango. The preggo’s around me choose gelati’s too… strawberry and mango. As we wait, another preggo joins the crowd (of 10).

4 Preggo women at Rita’s.

We place our order and are handed our treats… of course I steal a bite while we wait for her to process the card… and lo and behold another preggo joins the crew!

5 preggo women at Rita’s!

Thanks Rita!

* Moral: If you’re preggo and hungry on a warm Tuesday night… head to Rita’s!

Ok, so I’m doing some research for my practicum at the Crisis Center and I come across a great resource (http://www.dr-bob.org/vpc/virtulets.html), directed to me by one of my wonderful classmates, and decide to check it out. One of the pamphlets is about cults and unhealthy groups (http://www.unhcc.unh.edu/resources/cults.html). Hm… this might be some interesting reading… after having watched a documentary on The People’s Temple last week.

Ok… so i start reading… and I think “Hey, this is pretty helpful, what great red flags to watch out for.” Then the farther I read, it hits me, 90%-100% of these red flags for cults and unhealthy groups apply to many religions worldwide. “Interesting” says the researcher mind inside of me. So I read on…

Red Flags:
Leaders are: overly friendly,too interested in you, knows you have $, has all the answers, hides a “greater truth” from you until you are ready for it.

Signs of a destructive organization: approves of unethical behavior (holy wars, crusades, manifest destiny, burning at the stake, stoning) while claiming goodness; Puts the goals of the group over that of the individual; pressure to give $; pressure to give a physical sacrafice (like the vow of poverty and chastity); separation from family & friends or society especially those with different values; and exclusivity.

So yeah, I can pretty much apply every one of those to most world religions. I’m not saying that religion is a bad thing, I think spirituality and belief can be one of the most positive forces in a person’s life. However, when it comes to organized religion with strict dogmas and power in the hands of a few… the chance for abuse of that power is too great a risk. Just because you believe in the same beliefs of your religion, doesnt mean you have to agree with everything that goes along with it. Religions were created by humanity, and in so can be changed by it. Stand up for what you believe in… oh, and don’t drink the kool-aid!

Craig had his back surgery Friday… so I’ve been at Hershey Med Center for the past 4 days. Let me tell ya, I wasnt a pretty sight by today. I finally showered “thumbs up for the smelly, exhausted, hormonal, emotional, worried, anxious preggo lady”. Somehow showering in a hospital community shower just wasn’t as appealing as going stinkified and piling up on deodorant.

He’s doing well. He sat up for an hour today which is amazing! He got all kinds of tubes taken out yesterday and hopefully more today. I miss him. I wish I could be there 24/7 with him. He didnt want Paul and I to come home. He’s been so strong and fighting the pain and trying to heal. It really showed us how much he’s grown and that we’d prepared him well for coping.

Needed a break yesterday after “the asshole” (if you dont know who that means consider yourself lucky) threw a tantrum in the hospital waiting room because my in-laws visited. He had me in a tizzy and I nearly fainted. Paul and him started going at it and Paul was going to kick some serious ass when he started calling my mother-in-law unspeakable names. Luckily hospital security arrived and asked him to leave. Paul calmed me down and we went looking for my mom, who had walked off to call security too.

So now I’m too upset to work, can’t eat, called the doctor, have to call a lawyer… etc. etc. and I’m not with Craig. This has to pile up there on one of my worst day evers. Luckily, I rented a dopplar and Paul and I listened to the baby’s heartbeat last night. 160, that’s comforting. *sigh* If it wasnt for that, I’d probably be in the hospital right now, only with me as the patient.