Hillary’s Blog

It’s official. It took them 8 years but I finally have a diagnosis! The best part is maybe I can get some treatment. Turns out I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically it’s the reason for the excess weight, irregular periods, problems conceiving, etc.

So what was the first treatment I tried, good ol’ birth control. What did my body think of this grand idea to set it straight? Mutiny! I became a walking talking contradiction. Sure things were regulated but I felt worse than ever. So I gave it a good 3 month try and then stopped.

I’m looking hopeful towards getting on Metformin (a drug to help regulate blood sugar) as those with PCOS has insulin resistance. Hopefully this will be more helpful than the BC was.

Probably myself included.

Because of popular culture… people who are overweight or have a BMI of over 25 are made to feel like something is wrong with them. We’re made to feel like a minority at every turn, clothing stores, beaches, doctors offices…. And most recently I’ve read “people of size” instead of fat, only heightening the illusion that we’re few and far between.

Everyone seems to ignore the fact that 2/3 of Americans are in this category.
That 50% or more of women are plus size.
That there are risks associated with higher weight… but doctors don’t know the reasons for this, or the causal relationship. (They’ve never been able to figure out why I put on the lbs while eating fewer calories and working out more than my peers.)
Not everyone who is overweight, overeats,underexercises, or makes poor food choices.

So right now, I’m 18 weeks preggo and enjoying every minute of it. Lucky for me, my OB’s aren’t sizists and haven’t treated me any differently. I’m sure it helps that I’m not exactly packing on the pounds… in the first 4 months of pregnancy I’ve only put on 5lbs or less. I finally feel “free” in my own skin. It’s so wonderful… and I wish I could feel this way pregnant or not.

I think most people just figure I’m getting fatter cause my belly doesnt exactly resemble a preggo belly at this point. To me it does, but not to most cause it’s very low and hasn’t popped above my belly button yet.

So my point is, I know more “overweight” women this year that are preggo than “normal” women, so men must not be paying much attention to stereotypes. Maybe television and print need to take a cue from reality.

If you’re a sizist… learn the facts and stop being biggoted.

I’ll keep it as simple as possible.

1. Those who have never been pregnant or can’t get pregnant have no say in abortion at all, obviously this includes men. (Just like as a white female I have no right passing laws or judgements against men stating they are not allowed to get vasectomies if they haven’t had children because they are restricting the gene pool or that men are not allowed to get a testicle removed if it has cancer because it still could be viable in creating a pregnancy.)

However, this does not exclude women who may be pregnant, or who may get pregnant in the future. So it does exclude those who are “childless by choice” (you had a choice, so should we…)

2. I agree that choice is important, but due to lack of education and those willing to fully educate women on the process and outcomes of abortion, it should be restricted, especially late-term.

3. I fear the way society will look down on women who have no choice to abort late (unviable pregnancy) if we ban it. They already are going through so much we can’t even understand.

4. In a normal pregnancy, you dont even find out if the baby has any fatal abnormalities until 16+ weeks (for genetic testing) and 20+ weeks for ultrasound. Which is why late-term abortions should be allowed if the baby will die and endanger the mother’s life. These mothers only find out late in the pregnancy that their baby will die. This is ALWAYS ignored by arguments of both “sides”, assuming of course there are SIDES, which there are not. I doubt there are people out there pro-abort every child. It’s “PRO-CHOICE” not “PRO-ABORT”.

5. I think abortion is horrendous, but necessary when the mother (who may have other children to care for) is in danger. I would also fully support a women who was raped or a victim of incest to abort early. (Those of you again who have never been pregnant… have no say in this.)

6. Those “anti-choice” need to stop using propoganda and assumptions that the babies of women choosing late-term abortion are normal. These babies will NOT have happy normal lives… they will be in constant pain, dependent on 24/7 care or life support or worse… if they and the mother even survive childbirth at all.

7. The cost for a complicated pre-term birth is upwards of $125,000+! This is just for the birth and 6 days in the hospital, not the continued care and raising of a severely disabled child, or continued hospitalization. You still have to pay if your baby dies 10 minutes after birth.

8. MOST insurances don’t pay for any, let alone a portion of this cost. For mine, I just found out last night I will have to pay over $50,000 OUT OF POCKET! Again, that’s just for premature birth and the baby’s 6 days in the hospital! Nationalize healthcare and this won’t even be in the debate.

9. Banning late-term abortions will endanger women who have other children to care for, and they may die trying to carry a baby that wouldnt be able to live anyway. Therefore leaving their other children motherless.

10. The restrictions on late-term abortion should include: 2 physicians agreement that the pregnancy is life threatening to the mother or the baby is unable to survive or will have no quality of life if carried to term. (Ex. on life support indefinitely, unable to meaningfully interact with their environment.) If they can not get the physician agreement to the above, they should not be able to abort.

11. Questions about what constitutes a reason to abort are physical, life-threatening mutations and genetic abnormalities. This obviously does NOT include; down’s syndrome or mental retardation (unless severe/profound) and other treatable and manageable genetic or gestational complications.

So don’t even go there with me… I’ve helped raise my brother who was diagnosed with Duchenne’s muscular dystrophy. He’s been in a wheelchair since age 11, just faced major back surgery (to insert rods into his spine and hips) at 14 y.o., and has a maximum life expectancy of 25 years old. Other than his physical problems, and Asperger’s Syndrome (on the autistic spectrum) he’s a pretty normal kid. So don’t tell me I dont know what it’s like to raise a child with severe disabilities.

The only people hurt by the ruling today are parents who love their unborn children and faced the difficult decision to end the pregnancy before the baby dies on it’s own (which can be life threatening to the mother) and dies in childbirth. With a partial-birth abortion, they were able to hold their baby and honor it and bury it. In the other methods, they break the baby into pieces and remove it piece by piece (why does THAT seem worse to me?!!?!)

Partial-birth abortion is not really “birth”, they dilate the cervix and remove the baby. It’s the same as the other methods of abortion, only the baby is intact, not in pieces when extracted from the womb. I think this is more humane than breaking the baby into pieces and taking it out! Call me crazy I guess. But now, it’s illegal… and parents have no choice but to have their baby mutilated before being removed, and they are now unable to see their baby after it’s aborted. Now these parents will not be able to say good bye to their child…

Craig had his back surgery Friday… so I’ve been at Hershey Med Center for the past 4 days. Let me tell ya, I wasnt a pretty sight by today. I finally showered “thumbs up for the smelly, exhausted, hormonal, emotional, worried, anxious preggo lady”. Somehow showering in a hospital community shower just wasn’t as appealing as going stinkified and piling up on deodorant.

He’s doing well. He sat up for an hour today which is amazing! He got all kinds of tubes taken out yesterday and hopefully more today. I miss him. I wish I could be there 24/7 with him. He didnt want Paul and I to come home. He’s been so strong and fighting the pain and trying to heal. It really showed us how much he’s grown and that we’d prepared him well for coping.

Needed a break yesterday after “the asshole” (if you dont know who that means consider yourself lucky) threw a tantrum in the hospital waiting room because my in-laws visited. He had me in a tizzy and I nearly fainted. Paul and him started going at it and Paul was going to kick some serious ass when he started calling my mother-in-law unspeakable names. Luckily hospital security arrived and asked him to leave. Paul calmed me down and we went looking for my mom, who had walked off to call security too.

So now I’m too upset to work, can’t eat, called the doctor, have to call a lawyer… etc. etc. and I’m not with Craig. This has to pile up there on one of my worst day evers. Luckily, I rented a dopplar and Paul and I listened to the baby’s heartbeat last night. 160, that’s comforting. *sigh* If it wasnt for that, I’d probably be in the hospital right now, only with me as the patient.

Ok, I’m sure not many of you know this but just because a woman is pregnant DOES NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT give you to right to touch, rub, tap, kiss, massage, grab, or in any other way molest her belly. I mean honestly, would you poke a mother bear? Not unless you wanted your hand chewed off.

So please, ask before you touch… or else you just might find yourself handless.
(This does not pertain to hubbys, mothers, mother-in-laws, or best friends)

I am so excited that a woman is running for President. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming President of the United States, a dream I’ve long since decided I actually do not want. Sounds like I’ll get closer than I ever thought I would. Hillary Clinton, bain of my name for part of my childhood… is running! I’m a big believer in what’s meant to be will be… which leaves me guessing as to what purpose Georgy was elected twice. However, it’s nearly over and I am definitely voting for Hillary, not just because she is a woman but for the reasons listed below.

1. She has a strong rapport with the wives of world leaders! (This is even more important that the rapport with the leaders themselves.)
2. She has experience in the White House.
3. She’s a real person, who’s lived through real painful experiences in plain view of everyone in the world. And she did it with poise and grace. That takes talent. I probably would have ripped off his balls and shoved them up his you know what.
4. Some people say she’s wishy-washy in her views. I think she proves she’s open to listen to what the citizens want and remains impartial in her own views.Which to me is one of the most important aspects of a good politician. (And believe me, I’ve seen the worst of the worst as a lobbyist’s daughter.)
5. She has a strong following.
6. She wrote a best-selling biography already.
7. She has my name.
8. She would be the first woman president and it’s about time!

I could extole on the brute and blatent disgustingness of the recent incline in the cost of gas and the Blob-type way in which my car guzzles the stuff and the unfortunate nature of my job that requires me to drive 150 miles a day! How come Mr. Bush doesnt come on my TV and tell me not to buy gas for fun this time around? At $3.36 a gallon today…
Ridiculous! My salary didnt increase. Don’t they realize NOT everyone gets a “cost-of-living” raise every year… if ever. At this rate, I might as well work at the local McD’s and forget my college degrees. Atleast then, I could walk there.

Taxes: On a local radio station they were saying how wonderful it is that we only pay 31% of our salary to taxes… where countries like the Netherlands pay 34-52% depending on their income bracket. However, unlike us… THEY HAVE FREE COLLEGE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTHCARE (paid by taxes)! I’d rather pay the extra tax and not worry about how much my trip the ER will cost me when I get food poisoning and not worry about paying back my $100K in student loans WITH interest.

Dear who-ever-you-are,

Recently ads have been running condemning those who choose not to buy your crummy product, instilling the ever-present American fear of putting people out of work, or worse, getting arrested. I hate to believe that just because people don’t like your crummy product that you think they really still like it and are finding illegal ways of getting it. LOL. Well, I’ll have you know, if there is ever a project that I support, I buy it. In the past 6 years there have been approximately 5 movies that I have liked enough to purchase. The majority of those being the Harry Potter movies.
Want to sell more movies? Here’s what you do. Make a quality product, not just an “eye-candy” film. Find some real talent for once (like Johnny Depp, the guy’s a genius on film.) Then maybe you’ll start selling DVDs.
As for the music business… the same. People used to tape your songs off the radio and give them FREE air time blasting around town… and you didnt bat an eye. The last CD I purchased was in 2004, the time before that I can’t even remember but it was sometime in 1999 I believe. I dont download a song unless I REALLY love it, and even then it’s from iTunes, not some illegal download sharing software. So save your blab… it’s really not becoming and makes me not even want to buy any music. STOP accusing innocent people, you’re only making more enemies. NOT everyone is RICH like you! (*gasp* HONESTLY)
What you’re feeding them is not what the people like. The business as a whole is deluded. Pre-packaged pop that has been put through numerous mixing and re-mixing machines as well as “in-key” tuners and selling these people as musicians. UGH, it makes me ill. It’s just about making as much money as possible putting out a piece of crap song.
Get up off your lazy BUMS and cut a decent song made by real hard-working musicians, not people who “play musicians on tv”. It takes YEARS of hard work to become a decent musician, not 5 minutes in a recording studio. To become the best takes decades. It should be those musicians who get a shot. Those who live and breathe music. It’s not wonder you’re not selling as many CDs as you think you should. More than half the music you put out today is crap. No one wants crap that they’re never going to listen to. Why not you ask?
You want to sell more CDs you say? Here’s what to do… STOP putting one good song on a CD and selling it all together. I have NEVER and will NEVER buy a CD just for one song, I’ll find another way of getting it. (iTunes is great for this). More live concerts on TV. I dont know about you but my friends enjoy live music better than pre-recorded and having it on TV is a good reason to have a party (GTG or whatever). Get a wider variety of bands, groups, dont assume that people will just like what you put out. I’m getting sick of the same old pop/rap combo. Mix it up a little. I’ve actually taken to listening to country or the latin station just to get away from the same songs that play over and over again.

Signed, An American

So all in all… things are floating downstream as usual, with the occasional boulder in the way. Requiring of us to hike ourselves up out of the nice cool soothing waters, grab hold of our innertubes and carefully find safe footing to make our way around them. Once around we lower ourselves back into the water, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not so much, and casually look back at the boulder and wonder why it looks so differently from this side, this distance, and now not at all because it has disappeared around the bend and there are others ahead.

Lately, those boulders seem cumbersome and frequent. I seem to be hyperfocused on my mental state and abilities. I guess similar to when I was studying music and became annoyingly aware of every wrong, out of tune, or misrepresentation of every tiny note OR rest when listening to any arrangement being played by anyone. I lost my sight of the larger picture.

Sometimes others help us around those boulders because we are unsure what lies beneath the ripples (rocks… fish… sharp metal objects) or what lies around the other side.

My personal boulders from the past week (yes… only one week):
* My grandmother passed away Thursday Oct. 13
* My father is crazy.
* My family is seriously dysfunctional.
* I got food poisoning and have only just started eating solid foods again today but my stomach still hurts.
* I’m dehydrated but my stomach cant handle more than a few sips of gatorade every half hour or so.
* I have 2 midterms, 2 papers, and a journal due next week for class and I’ve barely started all of them.
* I have about 4 other papers and a presentation due within the next few weeks that I havent started on.
* I am supposed to start back to work in 2 weeks.
* I am supposed to either go to 2 parties on Saturday for close friends or go to my Gram’s house to help my cousin sort through all of her things for Sat and Sun.
* My all time favorite: the boulder I built… “I’m tired and I want to go back to bed.”

My Q is, will I make it safely around these boulders or be tattered to pieces? Or both… get through them but arrive on the otherside tattered, broken and bleeding. I’ve heard the saying “Time heals all wounds” but I don’t think its true. Is there a breaking point? Do we ever hit a euphamistic brick wall in the water? A dam perhaps?

And how does that time speed up and slow down work? How can I control it because it’s stuck in overdrive and the driver jumped out!

I know somehow I will emerge on the otherside of these rocks… and I hope I wont be too broken to enjoy it when I’m through.

Which leads me to another Q: How do I get there?

WTF!?!?!

I am outraged at the recent events in the United States. My stomach has not stopped lurching since Monday. *deep sigh* I can not believe the ridiculous crude disgusting manner in which the American government has handled Hurricaine Katrina. My Aunt Lyn in Mississippi luckily was not hit hard by the hurricaine 100 miles NW of where it made landfall, but is still without power (which on wells… also means without water, air conditioning or fans in 100 degree weather). And my Uncle Milt has gall stones poor guy. (I’m sure he’s thrilled I’m airing that.)

I watch in horror as they show video and pictures taken when it first hit and now, 5 days later. People are dying and they are being thrown out into the street with a blanket over them. No one has attempted to organize the survivors and empower them with tasks to help themselves and others, or educate them on whats going to happen. Babies… are dying in their mothers arms. Babies are dying even before they get to take their first breath. And what is our government doing to protect our citizens?

BUYING SHOES! THROWING CONCERTS!

WTH?!?!

Condoleeza Rice was taking in a broadway show and buying $1200 worth of shoes for herself on Tuesday. A concerned citizen approached her and asked her how dare she be out buying shoes when people are dying, she promptly had the woman thrown out of the store! If that was me, I probably would have incited a riot right there in front of the the NYC shop.

Now, when there isnt an immediate problem where their funds could go directly to immediate relief and save lives, a concert is a great idea, but these people need money NOW! They need money for food, water, medical supplies… and not today, not tomorrow, YESTERDAY! They lost EVERYTHING!

Imagine, losing your home, your car, your job, your cherished photos, your money, your pets, your loved ones, EVERYTHING… and you turn to the government because you have no where else to turn and they say “How dare you be so greedy and think your life is important to me… I need to buy me some shoes!”

WTH?!?!

Now I keep getting this urge to jump in my car and drive non-stop to Lousiana and start whipping those shelters into shape. Which today would probably cost me a good years’ salary with gas at $3.20! and Georgey saying ‘Don’t buy it if you dont have to!’ HAVE TO?!?! HAVE TO?!?!?! Who the H buys gas for fun?!?! I guess those of us who can afford to buy $1200 worth of shoes while babies die.

At flipping 13 I organized a shelter of 500 people and fed them, sorted supplies that came in and dispersed them, organized families and settled the children so they would be less afraid. JESUS! Yes, thats only 500 people, but the principle is the same. Where is the game plan? Where is the head honcho? Here they are… one’s on vacation and couldnt be bothered, another is ‘planning’ on raising funds, another was in a nearby city and has to play PR to the media while not knowing what the heck is really going on, another is BUYING SHOES!

WTH!?!?!

And all I can hear ringing in my ears are 100s, no make that 1,000s and 10,000s of people screaming HELP! HELP! HELP!

One word: IMPEACH (please!)

(credit to My Darling Paulie for the title)