Hillary’s Blog

An article in the NY Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/26/opinion/26boudreau.html?_r=1) suggests veterans returning with a diagnosis of PTSD should receive a Purple Heart Medal. While I think its great that people are lobbying for the acknowledgement of the large number of vets returning with PTSD and their increased risk for suicide, I think its also misguided to suggest that these veterans are irreparably harmed in combat. They don’t completely understand PTSD and depression.

As a mental health professional that deals with suicidal individuals on a daily basis, I have a good idea about what leads to completed suicide as well as what can help a person avoid it. One of the main reasons I see for veteran suicides has to do with military culture. We see it in para-military cultures as well (such as police culture). This type of culture holds strong guidelines about protocol and procedures along with a belief that showing any type of weakness undermines your identity within the group. Therefore, these groups have a large amount of individuals who feel isolated when facing a personal dilemma or problem, especially one they see as a weakness (such as depression and PTSD). These individuals then avoid seeking assistance with their problem (#1 reason why they become isolate, lack of support, feeling of hopelessness, and eventual completed suicide because no one knew they had a problem and therefore couldn’t intervene). What they (military culture) need to teach is how these disorders are biological and not something you have control over or something that you can cause, but you can recover from with psychological work. Unfortunately, I don’t see this ever changing.

The military needs to make it mandatory for all vets to receive PTSD counseling following a tour of duty. Sometimes PTSD doesn’t even show itself until 6 months to a year following a traumatic event. We can also develop PTSD through vicarious trauma (listening to stories from fellow vets, seeing video) and the more someone identifies with the event the higher the incidence. This was seen following the terrorist attacks on 9-11, the Oklahoma City Bombing, and following the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion.

The best defenses against developing PTSD is seeking out discussions, and talking about the events in a supportive environment. However, avoiding the subject of the event itself further separates us from the event and when thoughts occur later on, we haven’t fully dealt with the emotions connected with it. Hence we begin to develop PTSD symptoms. Some people are at increased risk of developing PTSD. Those who have a history of trauma are at increased risk as well as those who undergo another trauma in the few years following their return (divorce, loss of a loved one etc).

We acknowledge that first responders undergo vicarious trauma in their daily jobs… but not many acknowledge police and soldiers do as well.

My question is How can one do the things the military requires of you and return to this life without PTSD, depression or severe anxiety problems? I think the military needs to identify that this work is inherently going to lead to psychological problems, but I don’t think they’ll ever do that!

As far as the purple heart medal, that should be reserved for vets who have been irreparably physically damaged during duty. Anything less undermines the reason for the medal. Those with PTSD can recover with lots of hard work with a good therapist who understands what they have gone through.

I have come to an interesting conclusion about why our great democracy is doomed to failure. The single most reason being our success. I know it’s like saying the single most cause of death is life. But seriously, there are all these individuals and groups out there that have nothing better to do with their time than waste it. They’re well fed, cared for and jaded.

They spend their days doing nothing except complaining, listening to music that’s complaining, in their warm comfy beds in their nice new clothes. They have nothing in their way, nothing they HAVE to do to survive.

So our success will be our downfall unless we start implementing some man-made obstacles. People need to be uncomfortable to strive for greatness, to risk to survive. Without that adversity we become selfish, slovenly, and twisted. However, we can’t make the task impossible as they have in the Middle East. There a man has to have a good job before he’s allowed to marry. He’s not allowed to have sex until he’s married… so essentially there are a lot of sexually frustrated young men running around. That isn’t good either.

Thats my thoughts on things anyway.

Baby steps… I tell myself. HA. Baby steps all right.

I have a few weeks to complete this massive writing assignment. Time is now “of the essence”. I need a motivator. I need a plan. If only I could concentrate…

I believe in the message and hopefully it will be useful in creating a program to help my community. To sit down and write… something that will determine whether I graduate this year or sometime in the future. So scary. So overwhelming… so just needs to be done already.

None of us ask to be born into the families we have. Maybe we do… who knows. But Bristol really has gotten a crappy hand. If I had the chance to speak with Bristol, who seems more intelligent than her mom, (Then again, aren’t we all?) this is what I’d say.

I would tell her that it’s ok to not live a lie. It’s ok to be yourself. One day, your mother will be gone and you will only have yourself to depend upon. It’s ok to not get married. It’s ok to get pregnant. Being a mom is one of the hardest and most rewarding roles in the world.

Life is hard. Life is strenuous. Life is challenging. Face the challenge instead of hiding and running away from it. The most precious thing you have in this life is your ability to choose for yourself what you do with it. Don’t give that away so easily. Just because you’re on a certain path doesn’t mean you can’t switch. Only you can make yourself happy. You can never make anyone else happy by making yourself miserable.

No one should think less of you for choosing your own path. Those that do aren’t worth worrying over. You have a precious life that you don’t have to give up for someone else’s ambition.

Atleast, that’s what I’d tell her if she were my daughter. I can’t imagine ever sacrificing my daughter’s well being and future for my own ambition. It simply is NEVER worth it. I’m sad that a mother with such power and influence would choose to use it in such a disgusting and abusive manner.

As a mental health professional I deal with this on a regular basis… mostly people feeling so hopeless that they see no alternatives. It amazes me that our brains even allow us to consider this as a possibility. It also seems as if it not only allows us to consider it but works against us considering the possibilities.

Yesterday we had another completed suicide in the county… only this time it’s different. It’s one of us.

It brings it home. This person told everyone everything was fine and then shot themself. It makes you wonder if we can ever really intervene. I suppose we can only really help those who subconsciously aren’t sure they really want to succeed or are asking for help but are too proud to straight up ask. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard. Am I just hormonal, depressed, burnt out?

I hard a hard time with a completed suicide last month but was able to get over it because it was such a disgusting, selfish,manipulative and controlling thing to do. That I can wrap my head around. This time it’s different.

It was an identity crisis. My beliefs are that we can get past that. Even with underlying problems… I just don’t know. Did this person feel they had no one in their life they could turn to? Are we as those that help others with their problems really not allowed to seek help for ourselves?

We’re human and we need help too.
Reach out and offer your love to those in your life that you consider strong. They need support too.

*comment: 11/8/08: It helps to know there may have been a logical explaination for the completed suicide. Brain damage from an accident. All the more reason for people to in times of need take the lead and force people to get checked out.

A little over a year ago I was recovering from childbirth. I am so amazed with life right now. It’s gone by so quickly. This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Harder than high school, undergraduate and graduate school.

I can’t wait until I can have conversations with her.

Has a nice ring to it. I’m sure you didn’t think that the PA lottery was as interesting as all that. Somehow this idea got past them and into the real world.

While these 5 people dressed up as fingers danced around in front of a store trying to sell lotto tix… did they not see that they all looked like a bunch of penises?

It was worth the laugh when I saw the pic… I hope they didn’t invest too much $ in this *new* mascot!

For a pic and to read about it:
Dancing Penises

It’s official. It took them 8 years but I finally have a diagnosis! The best part is maybe I can get some treatment. Turns out I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically it’s the reason for the excess weight, irregular periods, problems conceiving, etc.

So what was the first treatment I tried, good ol’ birth control. What did my body think of this grand idea to set it straight? Mutiny! I became a walking talking contradiction. Sure things were regulated but I felt worse than ever. So I gave it a good 3 month try and then stopped.

I’m looking hopeful towards getting on Metformin (a drug to help regulate blood sugar) as those with PCOS has insulin resistance. Hopefully this will be more helpful than the BC was.

Ok, so my hubby is a self-proclaimed Geekdad, although I doubt anyone would really argue with him on this. We were talking via IM today, as usual, and I’ve just realized that I am a Geekmom and a Geekwife. I was the one who came up with the idea of naming our daughter “Ily” after the acronym for “I love you” on IM. Of course this was after arguing that just because some celebrity named their daughter Apple didn’t mean we had to. And of course Paul found out we were preggers via IM.

So here we are the little Geekfamily. Tall Geekdad “Applehat”, with his wife “Mrs. Applehat”, living in our little geekhouse, with our little geekbaby “Baby applehat”. Driving our little geekcars “Flo” and “Six”. Running around town in our Black Buddy Scooter “Jayne” or “V” depending on which geekoccupant you ask. Playing with our big geekdog “Midas”…even our geekcat “Ginko” is a regular on icanhascheezburger.com. *sigh*

So while I don’t watch Nova or read Scientific American to our daughter… I am a geekmom who embraces how different our family is from the norm.

Ily will be 5 months old this week and I’m wondering where the time has gone so quickly. Somehow a child can slow and speed up time all at once and you look at them with awe and wonder how they could have come so far and grown so fast in such little time. I feel as if years have passed and my little girl, who only 5 months ago was inside my belly is now babbling, sitting on her own, reaching for me, standing up, eating cereal and laughing. I’m in shock and I know that 5 more months from now I’ll be wondering where that little girl who couldn’t talk yet went to… I remind myself that she’ll always be my baby and I will always lovingly be her momma.